


Is it Wrong to Love him

by StormyBear30



Category: 30 Seconds to Mars
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-09
Updated: 2012-01-09
Packaged: 2017-10-29 07:02:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/317031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StormyBear30/pseuds/StormyBear30





	Is it Wrong to Love him

“Shannon please…please don’t do this to me” I hear his banging on the door outside of my room, drunk and loud and acting as if his heart is breaking. I know it’s breaking just the same as mine is, but I can’t allow this to continue. “Shannon…I love you. I know you fucking love me too. Let me in baby…please” The pain in his voice nearly breaks me, but I hold strong because I know that this is for the best. I know that I have to be the one that makes the change that will more then likely eventually tear us apart forever and yet I know that it is a must. “Shannon…Oh god Shannon…” His cries intensify the banging stopping as I hear him fall to the hardwood floor. I am tempted to rush to him, to protect him and love him as I have in the past, but I fight it. Instead I lock myself deeper into the sheets of my prison, praying to whatever higher power that will hear me to insure that he is ok. Fear inhabits me for a moment at the silence of death that surrounds us, but then I hear a near silent word and I know that my prayers have been answered at least in part. “Shannon…”

 

I close my eyes, try to block out the pain that is nearly suffocating me with its thick sludge. I try to recall when our lives became so completely fucked up that not a single solitary part of it seems to make sense anymore. I force myself to think about the happier times, the times when it was just he and I and the world that we planned to conquer together, but those times didn’t last long and the aftermath is what we are dealing with tonight at this very moment in time.

 

“Is it wrong to love him” I whisper to the empty room, receiving no response in return. The only sound is the beating of my heart, the taps of a hand upon my door and a small call of my name here and there upon the other side. Tears bleed from my eyes as I try to come to terms with the idea that everything that was once shared is now over. The band, friendships, the touring, the fun, the fans, all over in a blink of an eye because I could not contain my love for him. It was a love that I harbored for years before it became too much for me to keep to myself and yet it is gone in an instant along with any shred of happiness there as well.

 

The rooms become eerily silent as I wait for a sound, any sound from the other side of the door. Fear once again inhabits me as I receive nothing in reply. “No…” I reprimand myself as I furrow even deeper under the covers of my bed. “No No NO NO NO NO….” My words get louder as my body takes control over my mind and forces me to my feet. I know that all is lost as I unlock the door, open it up and find a complete and full mess of a man lying at my feet.

 

“Shannon…” He whispers, tears rolling down his face in torrents, his eyes so full of pain and heartache that it is nearly my undoing. I don’t speak a word as I gently lift him from the floor, cradling him within my arms like a frightened and lonely child, because in this moment in time that is exactly what he is. I know that I am the cause of this pain, know that I took a once loving and giving heart and broke it down into a million sad and shattered pieces. “Shannon…” He whispers my name again as he wraps his arms around my neck, his face hidden within it, his tears wetting my heated skin. His pain tears at my heart as I walk us over towards the bed, laying him down with some effort as he fights me to lesson his grip. “No…Shannon please…” He cries out, that scared and lonely child staring up at me though eyes so hollow that I swear I can see into his very soul. “Don’t leave me again Shannon…please” I long to fight him, long to leave him once again and try to pretend that I can live without him in my life, but I can’t. My mind and heart begin a bitter battle that my heart clearly wins as I lay down beside him, pulling him into the protection of my arms as I hold him as close as I can to me. “Why do you always hurt me?” He asks, the hold he has upon my body lessening as he looks up at me for a response with those hollow eyes. “What have I done to make you want to leave me over and over again?” He wants answers that I can’t give him, answers that will only hurt him in the end as I lean down and cover his mouth with my own in the sense of a soft kiss. “Why?” He asks again once I pull away, his bottom lip quivering as he fights another bout of painful tears.

 

“Because it’s wrong baby…” I supply the answer, knowing that it will break his heart even more then it already is.

 

“It’s not wrong…” He defends, pushing away from me as if my touch now burns him. “I love you and you love me and there is nothing fucking wrong with that” There is such defiance in his eyes that it causes my heart to swell for only a moment at the amount of love that he truly holds for me. It however, doesn’t last long as the reality of our plight converges on me once again. I search his face, my eyes focusing on the outer beauty that is there for the world to see and yet I know that the world has no idea of the inner beauty as well. He is so young, so innocent in some ways and yet more of a man that I can ever explain to myself or anyone. He lives to see the beauty in others, to see the beauty in the world that holds so much promise for him, for us, but only I can see the truth.

 

“Baby…to us it’s not wrong…but to the world it is” I reply sadly, trying to keep my wits about me as he glares at me with such hate and love swirled into one. “We could never have a normal relationship…could never let anyone know what we mean to each other. We would have to live our entire lives in a lie and we both know that we can’t live like that forever” I want to say more but I can’t as he lurches forward, pushing me backwards as he lays down on top of me. His hands on either side of my head; hold me so tightly that it’s nearly painful as he forces me to look at him. I try to turn away but he only holds me tighter, for I know that once he begins to speak I will be lost forever, no matter how much I might try to stop it.

 

“I love you Shannon” He whispers softly, but the look and the hold that he has on me doesn’t loosen. “You mean everything to me and you always will no matter what. We can leave…give up everything and just go somewhere and be together”

 

“Where…where can we go and be together where someone won’t know who we are?” I rush out, but there is no real energy behind those words. “There is no place that we can go where someone won’t recognize us…or have you forgotten you we are…who you are?”

 

“We can go anywhere that we want to go Shannon and no I haven’t forgotten who we are…who I am” The defiance is back, the fire within his eyes so blazingly hot that I fear I may burn from it. “I won’t ever leave you and I won’t ever let you leave me again. Please baby…promise me” He begins to plead, the fire gone as those dratted tears begin to fall down his face again. “Promise me that you won’t ever leave me again because could bear if it you did. Promise me…” He says a bit louder as he leans down and kisses me quickly. “Promise me Shannon…” He says again, once again covering my lips with his own, but this time a bit longer. “Promise me” He repeats as he stretches out fully, his entire body covering my own. “Promise me…” Yet again as I try to fight him, but my resolve is lost as he knees me in the groin, igniting my need and my want for him in a way that I can’t control or even want to.

 

Reversing our roles I now lay atop of him, our eyes locked, mouths open and panting as we prepare to take our bond one step further. “I promise…” I finally speak as I lean forwards as if to kiss him, only to pull back as he attempts to seal the deal. “I promise…” I repeat, teasing him once again as I slide my tongue across his lips quickly before he has a chance to draw it into his eager mouth. “I promise baby…I promise” I vow, knowing that all is lost as he grabs onto my head and jerks it forward until our mouths crash together in a near painful seal of promise. My resolve is gone; my will vanished as kissing leads into the sharing of our two bodies until we are one. Afterwards as we lay naked, sweaty and intertwined within each other, he looks up at me. “I love you so much Shannon…and I will until death takes us away from each other” He speaks softly and I can tell he is speaking nothing but the truth by the amount of love reflecting within his beautiful eyes.

 

I can’t speak a word as I nod in tearful reply, crushing him once again against my quivering body. I don’t know where the tears are streaming from. They are either from the amount of love that I hold for him, or the fear that soon we will find ourselves in this same exact place, playing out this same exact scene as we have from the first moment we crossed un-crossable boundaries and came together so many years ago. It is a never ending battle that we fight. It is one that he will win time and time again because he owns my very being, my very soul and he knows that matter how hard I try to fight him he always will.

 

The End…


End file.
